I’m a photographer. A live band photographer to be exact. I love what I do, I’m good at it, and enjoy a level of respect for my work I never would have imagined two years ago when I began.
I’ve found myself lying low the past few months, shooting little, and processing less. Self sabotage? I’m supposed to be at the Whisky A-Go-Go tonight in L.A. on the Sunset Strip, not to shoot, but because I won two free tickets to see a band I’ve shot before, here from Australia. Instead, I’m making a late dinner and sitting at home.
I feel guilty, saying I would attend a gig that I’m now flaking on. I wasn’t slated to shoot, thank God, but my Ego tells me that everyone will know I’m not there, and my reputation will take a hit. The other side of me says no one will miss me, I’m only one body.
Bottom line is, I need to be home and quiet. I have a project that’s overdue, and I need to put my head down and get ‘er done. Meh. Thing is, I know I’ll just veg tonight, and leave the processing to another day, increasing my stress, and the belief that I’m a total irresponsible flake.
I crack myself up. Drama queen much?!?
Healthy guilt exists to help me move forward in authenticity and honesty. Unhealthy guilt and induced shame are old tapes I replay over and over again. Gawd I’m tired of those old tapes. Simple solution? Make a decision, stick to it, get ‘er done.
Sounds soooo freakin’ easy! Soooooo, how does it serve me to recreate this same scenario over and over again?
I guess this life lesson is still developing, still working itself out. I won’t change my spots until I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.